The Matt Payne Website

Books and Music

The Matt Payne Website

Books and Music



Scary text, or Bible Snippet

I'm an author and musician living in Canada.

I write weird fiction: psychedelic sci-fi, surreal horror, and absurd comedy.


Music Player:

Guitar Poem
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Funky raw guitar groove from Synthetic Adventure Beats.

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A drum n Bass dialogue from Synthetic Adventure Beats.



Henry Henler was born without a tongue. Because of his  differently-abledness people automatically paid extra attention to his  mouth. This made Henry self-conscious about his mouth, and so he took  extra care of his teeth. He got braces to straighten them as a child,  had his wisdom teeth pulled as a young man, and visited the dentist  thrice per year throughout the whole of his life. He refused to eat  sweets, never had a cavity, brushed and flossed vigorously, and always  carried toothpicks just in case. Later in life he was known to carry a  dental pick and mirror in his pocket.

Lacking a tongue, his pristine mouth was like a beautifully cared-for  palace utterly devoid of occupants. Some un-haunted haunted house,  hauntingly un-haunted, as if the mouth were haunting itself.

He was brutally murdered at a carnival when a posse of freaks escaped  from their pens. The abuse they'd suffered under the cruel whip and  crueler tongue of their master had warped their psyches even worse than  genetic abnormalities had warped their hideous bodies. They chewed a  hole in the wooden roof to gain their freedom, and became so emotionally  overwhelmed by their unrestricted proximity to so many people, and so  frightened at the prospect of recapture, that the freaks descended into  an animal frenzy and violently assaulted passersby. Henry was just one  unlucky man who stood between the freaks and the open plains that lay  beyond the carnival grounds. They ripped off his arms, smashed his head  against the ground, and threw him into the haunted house to slowly bleed  to death in public where people thought he was just part of the  display.

We acquired his toothbrush at an auction in South Carolina, and it's available now for $37.55 CAD.

More entries at my LiveJournal Blog.



Website Update

2018-03-25 01:42:38

I got rid of those carousel sliders. As sliders go they were pretty cool, but even the best sliders are an eyesore, so I got rid of the fuckers so the site can be a better place for people's eyes.
So this is 4.2, slider-free since 2018


2018-03-16 21:02:41

The Society of Misfits series of anthologies has accepted my short horror story, A Gift in the Mirror. They'll release it on October 23 of 2018. So, thanks to Bards and Sages Publishing for accepting me into their lair.

The Society of Misfits

New Short Fiction: The Lifeguard published in Depraved Desires 2.

2017-08-04 03:46:09

I wrote a disturbing and offensive short story about a lifeguard who... oversteps his authority and the laws of nature. Apparently the fine folks at Hellbound Books are into that kind of thing because they're publishing it in their collection of erotic horror: Depraved Desires 2. As of August 4, 2017, this collection will be available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats.

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And get mailed hard.

Stuff I might email you:

About Me:



CLASS...anarcho sex-bot



FETISHES...hypocrisy/Fabergé eggs (or any jeweled egg)

FAVOURITE WINTER SPORTS...skiing/shoveling

POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS...Radical Chronodyke/Millenarianistic Chronodyke


FAVOURITE PILLS...speed/microdoses of mushrooms/digestive enzymes the end of time, time begins, and flows backwards toward the horror of infinitely compressing "big bang" (AKA big crush where we are all one, squeezed together, elbow-to-elbow, really uncomfortable and socially awkward)(this is why we can never know anything, because our minds our backwards, like the stitching on the back of a decorative patch, and the pre-sensory ingredients for consciousness, the responsive living universe, is utterly alien in its proper time direction, and we are alone, and it doesn't even know we exist)



LANGUAGES SPOKEN...javascript/klingon

PREFERRED TRANSDUCTION PARADIGM...bifurcated oblidisk gyration schema

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